Battleship (Xbox 360)

I’ve stopped labelling the console I’m playing the game on for past posts but this one is actually relevant as the Battleship game on the One is based on the traditional board game whereas the 360 version is based on the 2012 movie. Now, I know I’ve previously voiced my negative opinion on movie tie-ins but Battleship really takes it to the next level in terms of shitiness.

Firstly, the game is ridiculously short. There are seven missions but actually it’s more like four missions as the enemies remain the same throughout the game and the level layouts start repeating themselves when you get to the middle missions. It’s just lazy crafting from this point of view.

The gameplay is also repetitive and seems to encourage cover based shooting but you can’t use cover very well which means the whole saga turns into a protracted game of peek-a-boo. And on hard mode, you will be shredded. I cannot tell you how many times I got shoot while ‘in cover’ by enemies hiding behind walls. It was ridiculous.

The thing that makes the game unique is the fact that you have to control a fleet of up to three ships at a time using the LB button to move into ‘tactical mode.’ There are so many things wrong with this. For a start, one guy who’s job is to run objectives on land would not have control over three ships in the open ocean and tell them where to go. It basically puts admiral control in the hands of a grunt which is just stupid but fine, I suppose, if I suspend my disbelief for game purposes.

However, the thing I can’t get behind is the stupidity of how ‘tactical mode’ works. I could be in the middle of a fire fight but if I press the LB button, the equivalent real time events must happen.

My character: ‘Guys, I need to arrange the ships in the fleet. Can you stop shooting at me for a sec.’

Aliens: ‘Okay sure, that’s fair.’

My character: *whips out tablet and tells ships where to go, possibly enters ship-to-ship combat mode to sink all the alien ships. Puts tablet away when done.* ‘Okay guys I’m done. On three we’ll go again. 1. 2. 3!’

*fire-fight resumes*

It’s just stupid. There’s no other way to describe it. Also, the load times between entering and exiting the ship game are excessive, especially when you can quite easily press the button by accident.

Tactical mode is also total shit and glitchy as fuck. The last battle is hard enough given that you don’t have any real control over the ships but this was made worse on several occasions when the ships would not move into the locations I wanted them to for no reason. It was like they were deciding certain waters were too shallow or their path was blocked when it clearly wasn’t. Surviving at the end of the game is hard enough without throwing this unnecessary, stupid bullshit into the mix.

Oh and graphically, it looks like ass as well.

Achievements – 1,000 Points – 33 Achievements

There’s not really a lot to getting all the achievements other than surviving hard mode and trying not to get too bored when playing the game. As I mentioned earlier though, it’s really short and this does become a blessing once you are truly hacked off with the gameplay.

There are 10 achievements for playing through the game, 12 if you play on hard as there are two difficulty related achievements which are stackable. As I mentioned earlier the hard playthough is sinfully irritating but only really in two places. Mission 4 has a bit where you have to survive while your ships kill off enemies. This is completely out of your hands as no amount of tactical fiddling will make this easier. You can pick up ship-to-ship combat tokens which help but it’s totally random as to whether these drop. The last bit is the last mission for the reasons I’ve already mentioned.

There are also achievements relating to the in-game weapons where you have to get a certain amount of kills with some of them. I did all of these on the first playthrough with the exception of grenades. Putting the difficulty down to easy makes grenades destroy up to five enemies at a time like they are made of wafers.

You also have to get a certain amount of kills with each of the ships you control. This comes with playing the game mostly but it does help to use ship-to-ship combat tokens from some of the weaker vessels.

When I completed the game, I only had four achievements left. I already mentioned grenade kills but there are two achievements associated with using the ships in support positions to kill on-land enemies. You have to do this 200 times which is excessive. There is also a sort of glitched achievement involving the submarine support weapon which is supposed to stun enemies. I could not see this working at all and it unlocked at the same time as the 200 kills so I think I got lucky here.

The last one I unlocked was for doing something on a specific mission and it’s totally stupid. Once you have completed all your objectives, instead of finishing the mission, you have to move all your ships into specific positions on the mini-map before running to the end. It makes no sense as an achievement which is why I completely missed it on my first playthrough.

Downloadable Content – N/A

Battlieship is a really shitty gaming experience and not worth the box it comes in. I would say avoid at all costs as despite being a quick completion, it doesn’t offer any fun unless you enjoy yelling at your TV for things outside of your control.